i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Sorry my hands just texted you
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
