dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
