my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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