My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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