Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
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I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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