Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
These tits shall not be calmed
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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