I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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