Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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