I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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