she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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