dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
