A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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