She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
