Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
