Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
