you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
