I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
