so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
