On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
