I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
