You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
