You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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