Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I FOUND THE LEGS
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
