Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
