Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
