Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
