MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Semen is not good for contacts.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
