And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
