I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
