there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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