I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
