Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
