he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I didn't notice because vodka
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
