My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
