My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
