were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
