i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
