Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
