I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
