i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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