Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
