I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
