I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
