i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
