We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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