Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
