Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
