literally had 100 drinks last night.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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