get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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