My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
