ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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