Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
