DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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