its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
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Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
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I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
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